| it's only me |
Dec 17th 8:05 pm
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>
> TO:
> All Employees
>
>
> DATE: November
> 18,
> 2009
> RE:
> Gala Holiday Party
>
>
> I'm happy to inform you
> that the company Christmas Party will take place on December
> 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
> Grill House.
> There will be a cash bar and
> plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing
> traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And
> don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> Claus!
>
> A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
> gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
> for everyone's pockets.
>
>
> This gathering is only for
> employees!
>
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that
> time!
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your family,
>
> Patty
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>
>
> TO:
> All Employees
>
>
> DATE: November
> 18, 2009
>
> RE:
> Gala Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
> exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
> Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
> coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
> year.
>
> However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday
> Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day.
>
>
> There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will
> be sung.
>
> We will have other types of music for your
> enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>
> Patty
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
>
>
> TO:
> All Employees
>
>
> DATE: November 18,
> 2009
>
> RE:
> Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I
> received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
> non-drinking table, you didn't sign your
> name…
>
> I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a
> sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you
> wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
> to handle this?
>
> Somebody?
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
> allowed since the union members feel
> that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe
> $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
>
> Patty
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
>
>
> To:
> All Employees
>
>
> DATE: November
> 18, 2009
>
> RE:
> Generic Holiday Party
>
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
> December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which
> forbids eating and drinking during daylight
> hours.
> There goes the party!
> Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
> time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
> Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
> meal until the end of the party or else package
> everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy
> baggy. Will that work?
>
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers
> to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women
> will get the table closest to the restrooms.
>
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
> not have to sit with Gay men; each
> group will have their own table.
>
>
> Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
> table.
> To the person asking
> permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
> cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
>
> We will have booster seats for short people.
> Low-fat food will be
> available for those on a diet.
>
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of
> salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that
> people with high blood pressure taste a bite
> first.
>
> There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert
> for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts.
> Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
>
>
> TO:
> All I*%^ing Employees
>
>
> DATE: November
> 18, 2009
>
> RE:
> The F*%^ing Holiday Party
>
>
> I've had it with you vegetarian creeps!!!
> We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
> whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
> table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad
> bar, including organic tomatoes.
>
>
> But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
> when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
> I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
>
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I
> hope you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and die,
>
> The B*tch from
> H*ll!!!
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop,
> Acting Human Resources Director
>
>
> DATE: November 19,
> 2009
>
> RE:
> Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for
> all of us in wishing Patty Smith a speedy recovery from her
> recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward
> your cards to her at the asylum.
>
>
> In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
> Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
> off with full pay.
> Happy Whatever!
>
>
> Joan
>
>
>
> Daily
> Thoughts
> Never test the depth of the water with both
> feet.
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