So I've been with my guy for almost 5 years now. Last year I suspected him of cheating. I know I shouldn't have, but I started checking his phone. I found text messages reading (from some girl) "I miss you babe." "I want to see you again." And just stuff like that. So I just shrugged it off at first because his brother used his phone a lot and I thought maybe I was over reacting and that these messages were meant for his brother. So then I noticed a pattern of him going out every Wednesday night. This person called him when I was with him once and he lied to my face and said it was his sister in law. (I know I shouldn't have, but I checked his phone again that night.) One morning I lied to him and told him he started talking to me in his sleep but was calling me another girl's name. Next day the phone number is erased from him phone.

I asked him one day if he had another girl and he said no. I never told him anout how I was checking his phone or anything. I'll probably never know the details or what happened, if anything happened, or who this girl is.

Now a year's passed. I know he's had no contact with this girl. And I felt like I could trust him again. I still never told him of any of my true suspicions or how I had been checking up on him.

Today I was using his laptop and found that he is visiting adult sites and that he is on dating sites. I've been crying my eyes out all morning. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to start a conversation about this. All I want to know is the truth. I need to know what's going on.

*sigh* unfortunately, your gut/ inutition and the proof you have seen is correct I am sure… and no, you will probably never get him to openly admit it…... but my thing is this, even if he were to say straight out that he was cheating, but more importantly if he doesn't, will you ever be able to trust him again? At least enough to stay with him and not have your life be a living hell becasue you are constantly wondering when he goes out if he is meeting someone?

I am not saying you won't be able to forgive him but will you ever be able to fully trust him again?

I just say to trust your gut, both on what you think he is doing (whether or not he gives you verbal aggreement) and on whether or not you could ever trust him again whether he tells you or not…. then decide how you will follow through with that.

He's shown you an incredible lack of respect. He deserves neither your trust nor your forgiveness.

It's not the adult sites -- a lot of men, even happily married/committed ones visit those -- but the dating sites? You can't really explain that one away. That's more than a suspicion -- that's evidence.

I don't understand why you're not pissed enough to just walk up to him and say, "Hey, pal, what the fuck is this shit?" I know, not everyone is like that, and this hurts and maybe you're not thinking clearly about it.

The dating site thing is a big red flag.  I had a male friend who told me he visits the sites just because he's curious about what's out there - but to actually join a site is totally not cool.  I think you need to bite the bullet and ask what's up - he is the one who is exhibiting bad behavior, so you shouldn't feel bad that you found out about his transgressions.  It's going to hurt, but you totally deserve the truth in this one.  And trust me, I've been in your shoes more times than I care to admit.  I wish you the best in this situation - and I'm so very sorry you are hurting like this.

Please be strong. No matter how much you care about him, the way you react to this will be a clear indication of how much you value yourself and the way you expect to be treated.

However you choose to deal with the situation, make sure that he understands that his behavior is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances.

I don't think it's fair for anyone else to judge his actions.  People are bound to make mistakes.  People do a lot of weird stuff out of fear and confusion.  What's important is that you two are honest with each other.  If you feel uneasy about what he's doing, by all means confront him with it.  There's no defined set of emotions you should or should not be feeling towards this situation.  The best thing to do is talk it out.  And if you still feel uneasy after talking it out, then maybe you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Richard, I agree that people do strange things sometimes… but when those strange things are dishonest and disrespectful, there's really no excuse. And I say this both as someone whose done the cheating AND as someone whose been cheated on.

It doesn't make him evil. It does make him bad for her, at least in this situation and at this point in her life. In my opinion, of course.

But I think the one thing we all agree on here is that she needs to talk to him. Pronto.

I can't ad anything that everyone hasn't… I just want to wish you good luck. Have the conversation soon, or it'll keep eating you up.  Confront him with the dishonesty you've already verified and share with him your concerns, and go from there…. 

I'm not saying it's an excuse, Jeff….but you're the perfect example.  You're still a great person, despite the fact that you've slipped up in the past.  Everyone deserves a chance(s) for redemption or explanation.

I was just reading this morning in Men's Health or one of those magazines about something similar. It was from a guy who has been cheatings perspective. Should he tell or not because he has feelings of guilt.

The jist was that no matter what, a couple needs open communications. You should tell him about your concerns and feelings. Maybe you can address what HIS problem is and why he would be visiting those sites and fix it.

I've told my wife that no matter how she views it, I would want to know if she was cheating and I could find a way to forgive and trust again. Even if she could not.

Good luck.

Richard… I gotta disagree a little bit there.

I might be a great person despite my faults or what I did in the past. In the scheme of my entire life, an infidelity is relatively small potatoes compared to some of the good things I've accomplished. Doesn't make it right, and it doesn't excuse it… but it's not going to be on my tombstone when I die.

And this guy might be the next Albert Schweitzer for all we know. But in the narrow context of their relationship, he lied, abused her trust and treated her with disrespect. In the context of their relationship, he doesn't "deserve" anything she is not willing to give. That includes forgiveness.

>>I've told my wife that no matter how she views it, I would want to know if she was cheating and I could find a way to forgive and trust again. Even if she could not.

I know that this is TOTALLY a "head in the sand" mentality, but if Nathan ever cheated on me I don't think I would want to know.  If it was something that negatively affected our marriage, I think I'd pick up on it.  If not, then no harm no foul and I don't wanna know.  That's not excusing infidelity nor is it giving him permission…. but I especially if it was something that happened only once and he was sorry for, maybe ignorance is bliss. 

I guess more I was trying to say that if she is UNHAPPY, I would want to know. 

If I found out she was having an affair, I would be able to forgive, if the affair was over.

Some people say…NO…you did it once, it is a deal buster.

I dont see it that way.

I'm not saying my way is right…. heck, I re-read my post and I sound totally vacuous.  But it's still how I feel. And if Nathan was unhappy ABSOLUTELY I would want to know.  You could argue "why would someone have an affair if they're NOT unhappy?" but I doubt it's as black and white as that. Could I forgive Nathan an affair?  I don't know. I hope I never ever have to find out.

There is something I need to tell you…

Nathan and I have been seeing each other on the side.

*runs*