here's the deal, I already have adware but I want something like Norton or McAfree… do either have a free version so I don't have to offer my first born?

I use AVG, it's free and it works well. I've never had problem.

http://free.grisoft.com/

Avast and AVG are probably the best two free ones on the market right now.  I perfer Avast because they tend to update their definitions a bit more frequently.

http://avast.com/eng/download-avast-home.html